Derailed
by NoWindForThisHole
Summary: how did we let this happen (More chapters coming soon.)


Dad awoke to the deafening beep of his alarm clock, turning over to hit the snooze button. He then realized that he didn't have an alarm clock, and his arm was wedged into Don's drooling orifice. He had only seconds to process the giant wrecking ball that came crashing down over the family, blowing half of the cliff completely off. Their nest was taken with it, and they were taken with their nest.

Tiny was the first one to notice the water rushing into her mouth. "Gulgguglgglgug" she sang.

Mom thought fast. "Tiny, Shiny, Buddy, do you remember the fire evacuation plan? We just need to do that in reverse."

"So instead of throwing Don on top of the fire we push him under the water?" Shiny deduced.

"Good thinking, team," Dad tried to applaud, but his wings were caught over his face. The Pteranodon family then frantically struggled towards the precious dry land while Buddy stood up in the water because he was tall enough.

When they had finally run aground, Shiny put a passive-aggressive hand to her brother's shoulder. "Your jaw made a great launching platform, Don." Don was not conscious enough to understand what she said.

"I'm so glad I've grown so much in these four long years," Buddy spoke to nobody in particular. "Perks of being a theropod, I guess."

Buddy had grown in height, weight, and estrangement from family. Since he was too big for the nest, they made him sleep on the cold, hard dirt. Questions that had never occurred to him before began popping into his giant head, including but not limited to: "Is this my real family?" "Where is my place in society?" and "Did I preheat the oven to the correct temperature to bake this pastry item?"

"Here comes the landlord," Shiny whispered in awe.

A strangely familiar-looking lambeosaurus walked up, holding a mustache piece over his mouth with one hand and twirling it with the other. "Howdy, neighbor," said he.

"Um... Larry?" Dad asked.

"Nope," said Larry.

"You just called me 'neighbor'." Dad sighed.

"Refering to all of my tenants as neighbor is common in my industry. I am Unlarry."

Mom entered stage left. "What's the hole up?" she joked, attempring to make light of the giant hole in the side of the mountain where their life used to be.

"You haven't paid your monthly rent in six months," Unlarry explained. "There was no other option."

"Then why didn't demolish it six years ago?" Dad pondered. Mom and Unlarry shot anxious glanes at one another.

Dad cut the bullshit. "Damn it, Larry, I could have given you all the leaves you wanted if you could have talked to me about this instead of demolishing our only home!"

"I didn't even like your leaves, anywa-" he caught himself. "I am Unlarry."

The children could only stand and watch their dad's sanity deteriorate. He fell to his knees. "I built my entire existence around that cliff. Everything I've made, everything I am is gone, it's all gone! I had all my porn mags stashed under the nest, and now everyone can see them. And it's all your fucking fault, Larry!"

"I am Unlarry," Larry cried wolf.

Mom kicked her own spouse right in the balls. While he was writing in physical and emotional pain, Tiny turned to her siblings to ask some inquiring statements.

"Shiny, what's gonna happen to your shell collection?" she said. "You had so many they practically took up the whole nest."

Shiny shone. "Don't worry, that wasn't even lose to the whole ollection." Don rushed in to shush her after she had finished her sentence. The saliva spewed up from his lower jaw like a graceful fountain. Shiny remembered and shut her mouth, something Don would never be able to do.

Buddy wasn't listening to their conversation before, and he still wasn't. He walked off silently to go be deep in solitude, which consisted of thinking, crying, and masturbating all at the same time. Dinosaur Puberty was a bitch.

"How are we gonna pay it all off now?" said the Mom.

"How did our debt get so big in the first place?" Dad cried, still clutching his wounded sack. "We get $350 a month for unemployment. The only uninsured luxury we have is the train rides, and you said those only cost $10 per ride, so it can't be that. The numbers just don't add up."

"BRAAAAAAWK," Mom braaaaaawked in her native tongue. "I forgot to add another zero to the end of that figure.

There was excruiatingly long pause.

"It's a hundred fucking dollars for one ticket?!" He clutched his testicles in anger, then realized that he was crushihng his testicles and screamed in further agony. "We've been going on there for like, twice a day for the past four years!"

"I had coupons." Mom smiled. "I'm a hardcore couponer."

A crowd had begun to gather around the bizarre scene. Some of the rowdier ones had started repeating every word Dad said in a loud, mocking falsetto. Even the Mom was starting to feel sorry for him. She had to come up with something to make him feel better.

"Maybe I can pay it off with _this_." She turned around, pointed to her crotch, and started air-humping the lambiosaurus. "How about THESE nuts?" The crowed cheered. Somebody crowdsurfed.

The Dad was too worn out to even bother protesting. "No more..." he sighed. The crowd shrugged and left.

"Get a job and stop living off of welfare, you bums," Larry said as he stomped off to eat more on what were now his leaves.

As the crowd dissipated, one conflicted orange Troodon stepped up to the plate. "Uh, hey there, Pterodactyl family," the Conductor mispronounced.

"That's kind of a slur," the Dad grumbled.

The Conductor ignored him. "I'd help you guys out if I could, but I don't really think there's anything we can d-"

The Conductor's mother grabbed him and screeched in his face for seven minutes before adding: "They can work off their debt on the Dinosaur Train! All aboard!" The Conductor looked as horrified as the father.

Buddy ran back in, groin dripping. He and his siblings began chanting "train" as they alwasy did.

"You're fourteen, grow the fuck up," said the Conductor.


End file.
